Regret?

I have had soooo much running through my head for the past year and a half.  One of the things that I'm feeling lately-possible regret?  (really, it's fear)....Everything was so horrible the last pregnancy....from the catheter (that hurt when it was put in and was agonizing when taken out) to the IV needles, to the incision, to the body pain fron head to toe, to the swollen feet that looked larger than a Hobbit's, to my arms that were completely purple, black and blue from the constant poking that had to be done to check my blood.  I am needle phobic as it is, so all of those things were so horrific to me.  The whole ordeal was really my worst fears and nightmares come true.  And now I'm thinking I may have to face them again.  I don't have good veins either, so the nurses that kept coming to draw blood kept missing and would have to try again.  I fell apart at one point, and a nurse told me they might have to draw it from my foot.  I just started bawling.

I was in such pain, fear, and sleep deprived....it was noisy in the hospital.  It was hard to sleep...and then on top of it, I had to be woken up every 3 or 4 hours to pump.

And it could all be for nothing.  We all went through such terror with the last pregnancy, and yet we ended up loosing our son, losing our hopes, losing our outlook that everything was going to be alright.

Here I am now, putting everything on the line-I could end up in waaay worse shape healthwise than I am now.  And will we have a better outcome?

I am 5 weeks along (though I think the way they figure that is kind of strange...a couple of weeks are added on to the total from when you conceive???  That's what the online pregnancy calculators say anyway)  and am not experiencing any pregnancy symptoms.  I was hoping that this time around I might have some morning sickness.  (indicating good implantation)  But once again, I do not feel pregnant whatsoever.  This scares me sooooo much.

I'm sorry to go on.  I'm just feeling very afraid.  I am praying for the best.  Please pray for me and the baby.  Prayer is the only thing that I can hope for to get us farther in the pregnancy, better off healthwise, and with everyone living, happy and healthy.